Rachel Marie Berenson - RIP
by Lisa Ann
Summary: My tribute to Rachel *sob* continues. Now includes a letter from her mum... R/r?
1. In Memoriam

In Memoriam 

Rachel Marie Berenson

17th May 1985 - 12th June 2001

A brave warrior who never gave up the fight for freedom

The Animorphs and her family will sadly miss her

Let this memorial stand as a tribute to the life of a hero


	2. Farewells from friends

****

Jake: "Rachel…loved the war in a way none of us did. She revelled and enjoyed the victories we had and commiserated in our losses. Through the three and a half years we fought the Yeerks Rachel was at the forefront of every battle, ready to defend our cause: Earth's freedom. I sent her to her unnecessary and untimely death and I will never forgive myself for that decision. Goodbye Rachel. I'll never forget you, and I hope that no one here does either."

****

Ax: When I first joined the Animorphs over three years ago, Rachel never seemed to truly trust me or accept me as part of the group for a long while. But despite all our misgivings, she has saved my life more times than I can successfully count, and helped me when I required it of her. She fought her battles somewhat recklessly at times, but was brave and courageous throughout and has very rarely been known to back down form a battle against the enemy. Has she been born an Andalite I have no doubt that the people would have honoured her for many generations. As a human, I hope that she is honoured for an eternity and beyond on Earth by her own people the humans. It is just fitting for what she has achieved in her lifetime.

****

Marco: "I would first like to thank everyone for coming to respect Rachel at her funeral. Rachel, or Xena as I liked to call her, was a beautiful girl and boy did she know it. She never regretted her actions in or out of battle, and that gave her a strength that carried her through probably hundreds of battle that we've been in. By all rights she should be here today to see what we the Animorphs have achieved. During the war she saved my life more times than I've had hot dinners and not once did I get a kiss off her. Oh well. All I can say in conclusion is that she went out the way she went in: fighting all the way."

****

Cassie: "Oh my God. I don't know what to say. Rachel has been my best friend since like kindergarten and I never I got a proper chance to say goodbye to her…she was a goddess of war, Rachel. It touched her and gave her a new sense of being, being able to fight against the Yeerks. We always said that she had two main loves in life - shopping and kicking butt. They were her specialities and she excelled in both. For years Rachel teased me about my wardrobe and choice of clothes, and once bought me an outfit that actually fit! I could always talk to her about anything, even if she didn't agree with my moral stance and beliefs and ethics towards the end of the war. I want to thank Toby in particular because she gave Rachel and the rest of us a home when we had nowhere else to go. God, Rachel could spend five hours sleeping in a shabby wood hut, be called to a meeting at six in the morning and still look like she'd just spent the day at a spa or a health farm or something. That's the way she was: perfect hair, teeth, nails, skin, clothes, smile - and that's the way I will always remember my best friend. Rachel Marie Berenson. Goodbye."


	3. Can a hawk die of a broken heart?

I floated on a thermal thirty feet above it all. I heard their speeches; Jake's, Ax's, Marco's, Cassie's. If I was human I probably would have made a speech as well, but I was a red-tailed hawk. And so I would remain.

Cassie finished her speech in tears. She stepped down, next to Naomi and the rest of Rachel's family - Dan, Jordan and Sara -just as some depressing funeral march started up.

I spilled some air from my wings, swooped down and landed on the handle of the urn that was all that was left of Rachel. I perched there, in silence, for what seemed like an eternity before I started to speak. Private thought-speak, to the ashes contained inside the urn.

Rachel, I love you. I always will. I'm never going to forget you, 'cause, see, the memories are all still inside here. Watching you morph to bald eagle, flying with you on the thermals, us as Hork-Bajir that one time up near the ravine, me wanting so much to defend you from what David had become, listening to you sing 'Happy Birthday' to me, you wanting so much to defend me from crazy Taylor, morphing Deinonychus with you, visiting the Hork-Bajir home world with you, going up Marco's nose with you, it's all still in here and it always will be. It's all in here and now it's all I've got. But it's enough because a single one of those memories is enough to last me a lifetime. A part of me will always be with you, Rachel, and one day I will avenge your death. That is a promise, and I swear to you now I will keep it.

I'm going to stay as I am - a hawk. Don't argue, it's where all the best moments with you lie - the thermals, the wings, the freedom. Now I'll fly solo…goodbye Rachel.

I looked over at Naomi, Will you let me take her?

She nodded, still crying. I looked at Cassie, standing tall next to her. She nodded saying "Yes, Tobias. She would want it."

That was all I needed, their permission, I mean. I closed my talons carefully around the urn's handle and lifted off and caught a thermal up into the evening sky. I took her ashes, all that was left of Rachel, to an oak tree in a meadow that was my new territory. The oak was hollow, you see.

In some ways, because of Rachel, I was still a human inside, but I was a hawk on the outside. And so I would remain.


	4. Where did I go wrong?

My little girl was gone. Dead, cremated. Nothing but ashes.

Her ashes weren't with us, where they belonged. They were with a bird. A bird had the audacity to come and take her ashes from the memorial service! Unbelievable.

Somewhere deep inside, I knew that it was all my fault. Years ago I had asked her to move with me to where my new job was and she had refused. Told me she wanted to stay with her mother and sisters and all that she knew. I had asked her because I was lonely. Desperate. But clearly not desperate enough. If I had insisted more, stuck to my guns, maybe she would have relented, come with me, left the war behind. If she had come, maybe she would still be alive today.

My little girl…

She was tough, no doubt about that. No wonder she had wanted to stay behind. She wanted to fight, to save the world. When she was younger, about seven, I took her to this campsite they have where you can try outdoor and indoor rockclimbing, abseiling, and dry slope skiing. Rachel had tried all of it that day, and loved it. Jordan was only four or five so she was too young to come, but Rachel had absolutely loved it. Loved the rush she got from dangling off a fifty foot abseiling tower. Loved the feeling she got from skiing in 100kph ''winds'.

Maybe that was why she died.

Because I bred that rush, that want for a thrill into her.

I only just made it to her memorial service. I was anchoring the lunchtime news and grabbed a last minute flight to get there late. The security guard at the entrance didn't believe me when I told him I was her dad, and got a colleague to escort me in. Maybe he knew that it was my fault she was dead, even if only indirectly.

I watched from the sidelines as the other Animorphs gave their speeches, and when Jake stepped up I filled up with hatred. That boy was as much responsible for her death as I was. One of the reports that I had read out was the revelation that Jake had sent Rachel to die.

__

Oh God, Rachel. I am so, so sorry. I should have made you come with me that time. Gymnastics wouldn't have killed you. But it was your choice. I feel so empty inside. Like I've lost a son and a daughter at the same time.

Something came to me in a flash. News reports on a rival channel, saying that an elephant had terrorised a circus owner three years ago. A rogue elephant ripping up a blood bank a few weeks ago. A grizzly bear setting a man free from a mental institute a couple of years ago that Naomi had told me about. I would have smiled, if I could. They were all Rachel. Naomi had told me that Rachel's favourite morphs were her grizzly bear and an African elephant that was her first ever morph.

At least she had done some good.

Even so, it was still my fault.

__

Sorry Rachel. Daddy couldn't come through for you this time.


	5. Saying goodbye at last...

Found by Rachel Berenson's memorial:

__

I'm so, so sorry, Rachel. The way I've acted over the last few weeks, it wasn't fair. You pulled me away from a safe existence and into a harsh new reality. I'm not defending what I've done, or the things I've said or the way I've felt about the whole situation. I'm saying that I only wanted to protect my daughters. Sara, Jordan and_ you._

You changed over the last few years. Somewhere along the line, my clever, beautiful little girl disappeared and instead all I was left with was an arrogant, overconfident person stranger. It upset me, seeing what had happened to you during that war, and I didn't like it because at the same time you seemed more vulnerable than ever before and there didn't appear to be any way in which I could help you.

Perhaps the worst thing of all is that I never got to say goodbye to you. One minute there you all were at camp, discussing plans and strategies and the next…then I heard that you had been killed. Not in a fair battle, but in cold blood. A polar bear against you…it's not fair. And it's not, and I'm going to be saying that over and over until Hell becomes a summer holiday spot, because that day I lost a part of me that no one can ever replace or fill up again. You. My eldest daughter, my baby, gone. I still have Jordan and Sara, but the three of us and your father are always going to be grieving for you, because that's how much you meant to us, how special, how precious you were. And are, and always will be.

Goodbye, Rachel. We're all going to miss you. A lot.

Love, Mummy…


End file.
